My daughter, Amina, has always been a strong student. In her Montessori elementary school, she enjoyed learning and could often stay focused on tasks for long, uninterrupted periods of time. She got good grades in middle and high school and pursued lots of extracurricular interests — including her passion, acting. Sometimes, she had trouble moving from one task to another or zoned out during family conversations, but I never suspected that she had ADHD.

That’s because I was a teacher in the late 1990s when ADHD diagnoses were taking off, and Amina’s behavior seemed nothing like what I’d been taught were its symptoms. Most of my diagnosed students presented as hyperactive: It was hard for them to sit still, and they would often interrupt others and act impulsively. Amina wasn’t like that; in fact, I had often observed, Amina can really focus — there’s this thing she was doing yesterday, and she did it for two hours.

As the amount and complexity of work piled up in high school, however, Amina began a pattern of falling behind in reading assignments or turning work in late. When she had to complete her senior year of high school virtually during the COVID-19 pandemic, her struggles with starting and completing assignments and staying engaged in class lectures became worse than ever. She fell behind in her classes and her anxiety and depression worsened until they became debilitating. I knew she wanted to catch up with her schoolwork, but she simply seemed unable to do so. At her suggestion, we finally sought out a diagnosis.

We learned that, as is often the case with girls and women, many of Amina’s symptoms align with Inattentive ADHD — meaning that her symptoms, like daydreaming, forgetfulness, or difficulty managing time, are less noticeable than the type of restlessness and impulsivity demonstrated by my more hyperactive-presenting former students. And research showing a link between low dopamine levels and ADHD helps explain Amina’s ability to focus for long periods of time on the things that genuinely interest her, like acting. Essentially, the chemistry of the ADHD brain’s “reward system” promotes intense focus on positively stimulating activities and inhibits focus on uninteresting activities. This dynamic leads some to use the term “interest-based” to describe the ADHD brain.

Since getting her ADHD diagnosis at age 17, so much has fallen into place for Amina. She understands how her brain works and has developed strategies that help her thrive in college (she’s now finishing her senior year as an acting student at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts). For Neurodiversity Celebration Month, I spoke with her about struggling to get her diagnosis, the unique strengths that come from her ADHD, and the advice she has for other students with it.

-Melissa Steel King

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Melissa Steel King: You weren’t officially diagnosed with ADHD until the summer before you went to college. Looking back on your K-12 experience, what were some ways your neurodivergence showed up that we weren’t aware of at the time? 

Amina King: I wasn’t aware of why I was struggling in high school. Even though I got good grades, it took me a long time to start assignments and write essays. It took so much energy to keep up with my schoolwork. Focusing in class was difficult and it felt excruciating to sit and listen to a lecture; my body wanted to get up and run away. If we had 30 minutes in class to read a paper and then talk about it, I would think, I’ll just have to do this when I get home, because I cannot focus right now. Sometimes, I would even fall asleep in class. That turned out to be a sign of me needing more stimulation.

When I was at a Montessori elementary school, I could follow my interests and do things that challenged me. That made elementary school more stimulating than high school, which was a more rigid learning environment. But even in the Montessori school, I would have a hard time finishing all of my work cycles by the end of the day. Making schedules has always been difficult for me.

MSK: What’s hard about scheduling? Is it making a schedule or sticking to it? 

AK: It’s definitely harder for me to stick to a schedule. I struggle with understanding how long tasks will take to complete. ADHD is often linked with executive dysfunction, which includes challenges with working memory: retaining information and applying it. That made it difficult for me to keep my schedule organized when I was involved in so many clubs in high school. If I planned a meeting but didn’t write it down, it would leave my brain and I would miss the meeting. Working memory issues also make it hard to remember solutions that have worked in the past and then apply them to new situations, so that’s made it challenging for me to develop strategies to improve my organization skills. 

Was there anything you noticed when I was growing up that may have been ADHD and we just didn’t realize it at the time?

MSK: I remember that even as a baby, your attention was easily attracted by new or interesting things — consistent with the idea of an interest-based brain. If you were scared or upset as an infant, I could point to something new or do something funny, and you would immediately stop crying. That distraction technique did not work for your sister at all.

Throughout elementary school, your report cards would say, “Amina has trouble moving from one task to another.” You were frequently the last one out to recess or back into class because you would be deeply engaged in an activity and couldn’t tear yourself away. 

And, of course, as a family we always used to joke that even if you were physically in the room with us when we were talking, we’d have to say, “Amina, are you here?” Often, you would wander off somewhere in your head and miss whatever we were discussing. 

What made you want to take that next step toward getting a diagnosis?

AK: Starting in my sophomore year of high school, I struggled more to get things done and to keep my life organized. It felt like my brain was working against me, and I became worried that I was not going to be a successful person because of it. I could tell that something was holding me back and I wanted to figure out what exactly it was.

I also never had official accommodations in high school, but I had teachers who were understanding and would give me extensions if I needed extra time on assignments. Going into college, I knew I would need to get an official diagnosis if I wanted to keep getting extensions and other accommodations. Getting a diagnosis validated what I was going through. It also helped me learn that there are strategies and other people with ADHD who’ve been successful.

MSK: How would you describe what it feels like to have ADHD?

AK: Some people have one train of thought at a time. I feel like I have several trains of thought going at once, and they’re constantly racing one another. Sometimes, one will pull ahead and I can stay focused on it for a long time — that‘s usually about something I’m interested in. Other times, there are multiple trains of thought pulling ahead and falling behind at the same time, and it feels out of my control. In those moments, it feels impossible to stay focused on one train of thought.

MSK: What kinds of strategies have helped you focus and complete tasks?

AK: Like most people with ADHD, things that motivate me are my personal interests, things that are new, and things that are urgent. I got by in high school with urgency: Whenever there was a deadline, I could focus. But constantly operating under last minute pressure was exhausting and unsustainable, which contributed to my debilitating anxiety and depression. Now, when I’m having trouble starting or completing a task, I try to bring something interesting or new into it. For instance, if I need to go to the laundromat but can’t seem to take the first step, I’ll incorporate something that I like to see or do into the task. I love trees, so if I promise myself that I can go to the park while waiting for my laundry, that gives me the boost I need to start moving.

I’ve also started to accommodate for how long things take me and give myself extra time to get ready in the morning because I can’t schedule things out to the minute. Letting people in my life know what I struggle with is helpful, so they know it’s not personal if I’m running late or slow in responding to messages. They understand that it’s part of who I am and how my brain works.

MSK: Have you discovered any strengths that come from your ADHD?

AK: Definitely. For one, I’m very observant. I absorb a lot of the world around me and notice things other people might not. In order to function well with my ADHD, I also have to be in touch with myself to understand how I feel and what my brain and body need at any given moment. If I need to focus, I have to check in with myself: Will music help, or is silence necessary? Will chewing gum help? Do I need to work with someone else, or work in isolation? Do I need frequent breaks, or will it be more effective to lock in for a long time?

Getting consistent sleep is always helpful, as is yoga and meditation to practice concentration and staying present during the day. It’s also important that I eat enough. If I’m tired or hungry, it will be hard to focus. Learning to be sensitive to my needs has helped me develop a stronger relationship with myself.

Are there any other strengths that you’ve noticed?

MSK: Being able to focus deeply on things that interest you is a strength of yours, like in your chosen career of acting.

AK: Yes! I agree. Being in acting school has made me love school again. When I’m in class, it’s so much easier for me to focus. It’s new information that I’m learning about the thing I’m passionate about. It’s valuable for neurodivergent people to follow their passions, because it makes life easier when you don’t have to force yourself to focus on something that you feel you “should.”

MSK: What’s something that you wish more people understood about ADHD — especially in girls and women?

AK: It’s important for everyone to listen to themselves and advocate for themselves if they suspect they have ADHD. Girls and women, in particular, frequently present with primarily inattentive ADHD symptoms, which doesn’t look like what people think of as ADHD from the outside. If you have inattentive ADHD, no matter what gender, you may look like you’re still or calm, but on the inside you can feel distracted and unfocused. 

I also recognize that it may be hard for someone without ADHD to fully comprehend the blockages that arise. For people with ADHD, procrastination or distraction or poor time management is not a conscious decision — it can be an extremely frustrating occurrence that is out of our control. The way society is structured is not necessarily the most fitting for ADHD. But it can be really helpful to try and adapt your life to your disability, rather than trying to change your disability to fit others’ way of life (I am using the term “disability” not in terms of a medical disability, but in the sense of social disability, reflecting the perspective that a person is disabled because of a mismatch between an aspect of their identity and their environment).  

MSK: That’s something I’ve learned from this journey. You probably spent two years telling me that you thought you had ADHD, and I was skeptical at first. You didn’t have the symptoms that I thought of as ADHD. Having been through this experience, I would tell other parents to take your kid seriously when they are telling you about the things they struggle with and how they feel about it. I ultimately realized that when you were unable to do things you knew you needed to do, it wasn’t because you were “being lazy” or enjoying not doing those things. It was stressful for you. It can be frustrating and hard to understand as a parent, but it’s helpful to recognize how frustrating and confusing it is for your child, too. 

Is there any advice you would give to other students with ADHD?

AK: Many neurodivergent people have unconsciously learned “masking” to appear neurotypical and to work in the same way that neurotypical people do. Masking is exhausting; it takes a toll on your brain and your energy. I would tell other students to give themselves space to follow their instincts instead and figure out what works for them.

Strategies are unique to each person. What works for me might not work for anyone else, and it’s important to develop strategies that work for you as a person. That’s a really worthy process to go through. Doing research from credible sources and hearing from other people with ADHD helped me a lot. I recommend the channel “How to ADHD” by Jessica McCabe with its easy-to-consume educational videos explaining many challenges I have and continue to face. These videos and other resources like books, websites, and podcasts can be very helpful to parents and teachers, so they can better support their children and students.  

MSK: What do you think teachers can do to support students who may be undiagnosed or masking symptoms?

AK: Keep an eye on students who show discrepancies between wanting to get something done and not being able to. Allow students to explore focus strategies. There were times I would doodle in class, which would help me focus, and a teacher would tell me not to. That was actively working against my success. If I hadn’t been masking in high school, maybe I would’ve been able to fidget while I was listening to a lecture, which would have made it easier for me to focus. It’s important for teachers to be attentive to what can work for every individual student.